That’s Not Sexy

Youuu Wah Massaaaaaaaaaaahh? No I don’t want a massage (as you may already know I’m very ticklish, and the prospect of an oil massage represents a squirmy hell for me), but regardless of the incessant offers for a “Cheap Cheap” “Massaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh” I’m having a lovely time here in Thailand.

As you have likely already realized, while on my travels I am constantly accruing new skills, talents, and deadly arts knowledge. I know that is hard to fathom seeing that I was already a master coin flicker, free body diagram drawer, polo match heckler, and “Toad Jam & Earl go to Funkatron” player. So the thought of me realizing even more skills is arguably terrifying, or possibly terra-frying as the earth may spontaneously erupt into flames as such a versatile master passes over it. So brace yourself, and try to imagine me returning home able to…

CRASH MOTOR BIKES INTO EVERYTHING

Yes, I am likely the worst motor bike driver of all time. My first full day in Thailand was spent driving motor bikes around Phuket with Phil, two guys we met the night before, and a Thai women who served as our tour guide. Interestingly enough, the same women served as a prostitute for one of the two aforementioned guys the night before.

We went to rent the motor bikes for a full day for 300 Baht (roughly 9 US dollars), little did I know the price I would actually pay for the bike would be grotesquely more at the end of the day. They wanted me to leave my passport as a deposit for the bike, but this was something I was not too keen on, so instead I left my Virginia drivers license. At the time there was no way of knowing that I would later be stopped by the police, and fined another 300 Baht for driving without a license.

But back to the beginning, I’m just getting onto my bike, and I have no idea what I’m doing. Nobody asks if I have ever driven one before, or if I know what I’m doing. When I don’t know how to start the damn thing, however, I am given some minimal assistance. So now my motor is running, and I still have no idea what I’m doing… this is a bad combination. In an attempt to inch forward I turn the throttle just a hair and rocket my bike into the bike of the prostitute/tour-guide’s bike. I fall over, break my sandle, cut up my feet and knees pretty bad, and take a lot of paint off of the bike. Everyone starts laughing at me and I feel every once of pride, confidence, self-worth, manliness, and ability to complete simple tasks drain out of my body.

Luckily, this is Thailand so instead of taking the bike away from me, they stand it back up for me, and tell me to have a nice day, and to just be gentle on the gas. I’m free to continue my rampage through Phuket, but now I’m barefoot.

Long story short, I crash the bike twice more. Once at a crowded intersection, and once into a ditch. I returned my bike missing a lot of paint and feeling like a new, vastly inferior man. Again I’m laughed at profusely by Thai man, and I barter for a while and end up paying another 1,200 Baht (roughly 36 US dollars) in damages.

Sadly I have much more to say, but some Brazilian dude, Bernardo, wouldn’t stop talking to me while I was writing this, and now I need to catch my bus to some other fantasy island. I will conclude this with more skills/accomplishments such as.

BECOMING THE EXCLUSIVE BARTENDER FOR THE GAY & LESBIAN COMMUNITY OF SYDNEY’S NORTHERN BEACHES

BECOMING A MASTER THAI CHEF (with a certificate to prove it)

REACHING “ADVANCED” SCUBA DIVER STATUS

DODGING ABORIGINAL PEOPLE

FIGHTING MONKEYS

MODELING IN NEW ZEALAND

BECOMING FAMOUS

And I know there is some more cool stuff. I’m just doing so much cool stuff, I can’t even remember some of the cool stuff…, but trust me… lots of cool stuff is happening.

I have to credit my travel/life partner Phil Sukys for the title of the blog. He said it in observation of some people we were talking to while buying street food at 3 in the morning. It was very appropriate then, and sums up much of our travels.

-James

“The plan is to get in, make dance, and get out”
-Julia Calabrese

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