I’m sure you are all slightly misty eyed to be reading my last travel blog post, but I know what will cheer you up…
A STORY ABOUT ME GETTING MUGGED!!!
Metaphorically of course (I’m like Lue Ferigno or Adam Ayash next to everyone in these countries). That being the case I have received a metaphorical mugging from my life style here. First of all, I’m not exactly fueling my body with vitamins and minnerals as I’m pretty confident I have set a world record for Pad Thai consumption. I am litterally the reason the “street food” sector of Thailand’s economy has gotten out of the world recession. As Thialand has been setting my body up with a nutritional jab Laos, Cambodia, and Vietnam have followed up with haymakers to the face, leg, and body respectively.
Laos is popular for it’s “tubing” which is popular for being one of the most deadly parties in the world that takes place every day (lots of people drown). Therefore Phil and I went twice. It seemed that the quintessential drinking deck was stacked against me as I have lost most all my drinking tolerance after living in Australia, “tubing” goes all day, you get all the free snake whisky shots you want, and there are 30 foot rope swings everywhere. Yada yada yada, I woke up the next day with a black eye, and without the ability to turn my neck. Naturally we went a second day. Other stuff happened… but I assure you it was nothing morally or ethically questionable… just questionable.
At some point in Cambodia I acquired a massive infection on my leg that made it incredibly painful to do most anything involving said leg. The worst part was removing Kris Kross “Jump” from my “DJames j4mz: Azo 2K-Zen” playlist (I still wore my cloths backwards in tribute to them anyways). Can’t tell you how I got it because, like Magic Johnson was to AIDS, I was to biological infection… just way to many opportunities. Luckily pharmacies here let you self prescribe anything, so I’m better now (just addicted to methadone). Also here is a riddle: what do anti-malaria pills, anti-biotics, and Cambodian food all have as a common side effect?
Similar story to the face, but this time I was doing back flips off of a 30 foot tall boat, and now my entire chest and abdomen hurt like hell. Instead of repeating the face fiasco and going out again the next night, I slept for about 14 hours. I’m all better now.
I did in fact go to Bangkok where the first thing a cab driver asked me was “do you want to riot?”
I went to watch Muay Thai fighting at the stadium in Bangkok. It is not really as much a sport as it is a gambling venue. I lost every bet I made.
An opium den is much less plush than anticipated.
Dog is not man’s best friend, but rather man’s most delicious friend.
“After 15 years as a monk, today is my last day” is the greatest pick up line ever. If that guy wasn’t actually a monk he is still clearly in gods favor.
“James, lets shave ridiculous mustaches for all of Laos.” Turned out to be the same as Phil saying “James, lets not have friends.”
While in Delat, Vietnam Phil convinced me to purchase a cake with him in the middle of the night. As we walked down the street with our treat, two well weathered street vendors emphatically asked if “you wa chicken?” and to this Phil said “you wa cake?” Everyone answered yes. I was holding a bunch of trash and asked one of the women if there was a rubbish bin around. I must have forgotten I was in Vietnam, but the women quickly reminded me by taking my trash and hurling it into the center of the street. So we all sat down together to a lovely dinner of chicken, cake, and laughter. A 10 year old boy in a Winnie the Poo jumpsuit soon joined us as translator. Here is a riddle for you: What do late night Vietnamese street chicken, anti-malaria pills, and anti-biotics all have as a common side effect?
Laos sleeper buses should be renamed to Laos “why don’t you two go get glued with sweat to that pleather mat in the back with those two smelly ass Laos people and try not to hit your head on the ceiling as the bus bucks you fully airborne every 20 seconds” buses.
Well this needs to be the end of my (last?) blog. Why? Simply answer my riddles.
PS: I get home June 22nd. If any of you are ever going to 5-guys, chipotle, Buffalo Wing University, any Mexican place, any fast food place, or any grocery store: please call me first because I want to go.